Favorite Books

What are your favorite books, what books have changed your life, and what’s on your nightstand right now? 

All of these books have changed my life in some way, but this one made the most lasting dent on my consciousness:

 

Isn’t That Special…

“Special” (as opposed to General) Relativity is a theory Albert Einstein established and published in 1905.  Specifically, this theory postulates that light is constant; and as velocity increases, length decreases, mass increases, and TIME slows down.  (Time slows down – hmmm, I need to chomp on that for a while…)

 

Relativity also tells us that e=mc² and that gravity is the net effect of the curvature of space-time as a result of mass. 

 

Dead Space

This red section above is the hypothalamus – a tiny region of all mammalian brains.  In humans, it’s located just above the brain stem and is roughly the size of an almond.  It’s function is to link the nervous system to the endocrine system, and it controls body temperature, hunger, thirst, fatigue, anger, hormones, and circadian cycles.  

This brings me to my  cosmic question of the day: How much of an average human brain ACTUALLY gets used in a day?  How much of your brain have you used?  As for me, about 45% (but it’s only Wednesday).

Marinara Monger

NAPOLI MARINARA SAUCE

 Serves 3-4 people:

Ingredients:

• 3 16-ounce cans of organic whole tomatoes (preferably pomodoro)
• 1 can tomato paste
• olive oil (first cold pressed, extra virgin, yada yada)
• 3-6 cloves garlic
• cippolino onions
• red table wine (anything is ok here)
• Italian spices (any combination of the following: oregano, marjoram, thyme, tarragon, basil)
• Pinch of sugar

Heat olive oil in a pan on medium heat – when it’s hot, add garlic (make sure it’s as mashed up as you can get it – use 2 forks)

• After 1 minute, add chopped onion (I’m not big on specific quantities – use your own judgment) – let that cook for 2 minutes
• Then add spices – let that cook for 1-2 minutes
• Then add the cans of tomatoes – GENTLY mash up the tomatoes with your hands for a few minutes, savor this, inhale the intoxicating fumes, close your eyes, get a little dizzy
• Then add the can of tomato paste – also mix this up with your hands – NO WOODEN OR METAL SPOONS – ONLY HANDS!!!
• Then add a little bit of red wine, cook for 5 minutes, then add a pinch of sugar, cook for anther 5 minutes, lower the heat a little, cover it, and let it all soak in for 10-15 minutes
• Open a bottle of Sangiovese and let it breathe while the sauce is cooking
• Sit someplace quiet and think about how the mountains meet the sea in Naples
• Slice some fresh Italian bread

Serve it over al dente tagliatelle (with any kind of meat you like)

 Buon Apetito!!

Top Five Things To Say To Intolerable Strangers (at cocktail parties)

5. How’s your relationship with your mother?

4. Are you paying enough attention to your digestion lately?

3. I wonder what the starving children of the world are doing right now…oh yeah, probably crying (or dying).  Yo, how’s that caviar?

2. I think rats are very misunderstood creatures. Don’t you?

1. I wanna talk to you about colonics…

Hiring Do’s and Don’t’s

Hire people who are mentally slow and inefficient – they’ll make you look better to your superiors.

Hire people who dress sloppily, to make you look super sharp!

Hire people who are shy – they’ll be afraid of you.  Fear is good.

Hire someone who stutters, then make them give impromptu presentations to your Board.

If you are forced to hire someone smarter than you, make them bring you coffee and pick up your drycleaning. If this doesn’t make them quit, promote them to management and, on their first day, make them fire a really angry person who’s been there a long time.

Last resort: Drop a box of paperclips on the men’s room floor and make them pick them up.

i need an inventor, quick!

 

 

The Spacesaver Car 

Here’s how it works: it’s a fully collapsible car (can be any kind) that folds down into the size of a briefcase, sprouts a handle, and you can actually carry it off to wherever you’re going. Purpose: saves you from having to find a parking space in the city. Someone can do that, right? 

Watch What Cha Sayin

 

 

You’re in a café somewhere, say Piedmont (Oakland, CA).  This is a good example because we’re talking about money and Piedmont has lots of it.  Old money.  But don’t let me get off track.  Piedmont’s got lots of cafés – pick one.  You walk in, order a cappuccino, and sit at the people-watching bar by the window. Three sips later, someone walks in, hangs out for a second looking for a table and, naturally, selects the seat directly next to you.  The guy has one of those chameleon faces that looks young from far away and up close he’s surprisingly old.  He spends an hour hanging his coat on the back of the chair and makes for the cash register.  The poor guy’s standing in line reading about fifty kinds of gourmet blends and you know all he wants is a regular cuppa mud.  Picture Frank Costanza and add twenty-five years. 

The guy starts talking, you shake his hand, and you notice that you’re not really listening to what he’s saying but more interested in what’s happening to his face as he talks – he’s getting younger. You notice this freakish feature and call him on it.  “Yo, what are you?”

 

“Not what you are,” says the man, grinning.  “Let’s say I’m not exactly from here.” 

“I’m honored that you find me of interest, but I assure you, I’m nothing special.”

 

The man shakes his head.  “Special is not a requirement.  I have some questions.”

 

So you take off your coat, roll up your sleeves, and down your last sip of caffeine.  “Hit it.”

 

The freak-man clears his throat.  “What’s this thing called ‘internet’?” 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And here’s where it gets good.  When you woke up this morning, did you ever think you’d be explaining the internet to an extra-terrestrial??  “It’s a network,” you tell him.  “Like a network of networks that exists so that computers, or people, can talk to each other from anywhere in the world.”

 

“You said computers or people.  Is there a difference?”

 

You decide to skip that one for the moment. 

“Where is it?  Can I see it?” the man says.

 

“No.  I can show you a computer, like a desktop or a laptop, but they’re not the internet.  They’re just, say, doors.”

 

The man’s sipping his coffee, chomping on this new information.  You can almost see steam leaking out his ears.  

“So it’s an invisible network?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Like a neural network?  A big invisible brain?”

 

“Not really a brain, no.”

 

“So it’s more like a highway, then, or like a store where you buy knowledge?”

 

“More like information, but yes.  I guess the internet’s become like the central nervous system of our civilization.”

 

The freak-man ponders this and sips his coffee.  “Like a collective consciousness?”

 

“I suppose.”

 

“So is it a form of consciousness?  A new form, perhaps?”

 

“Perhaps.”

 

“So,” the man presses, “if it’s like a collective consciousness, or the central nervous system of a gigantic entity called Life on Earth, how are you different from the Borg?”

 

So you stop, and think, and give him the most obvious reply.  “Our civilization has free will.  We’re individuals, we’re all different.  Free will.  That’s right.”

 

“Really?  Free will?” The man smiles and sits back in his chair. “Find me ten people right now who don’t own a computer.”

 

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